by Donya Dunlap | May 10, 2013 | The Single Life, Write Hard Things
Holidays are traditionally full of emotional mine-fields, and none is quite so treacherous as Mother’s Day. I absolutely adore my mother. I respect her. I cherish every moment I get to spend with her in person. I talk to her almost every day and I will celebrate her and the memory of my grandmothers this weekend as they well deserve.
But I am also keenly aware that for many women, this coming Sunday will bring many tears of loss, regret, and unfulfilled desires. I know dozens of women who have lost children to death or distanced relationships, suffered miscarriages, or struggle with infertility…and my heart is pained for them. I have no desire to detract from their sorrow. But there is another group of women that also mourn an empty nest on Mother’s Day that many never consider. It is for these women, for single women, that I write today.
Will it ever be my turn?
This Mother’s Day I will be 33 years old…the same age my mother was when she gave birth to me, her fourth child. Friends that I roamed the hallways with as a child now have children entering middle school. Young women that I ministered to as teens are getting married and starting families. My nephew and his wife have a beautiful, two year old bundle of sweetness that I love to death. Other friends that have struggled with fertility have recently been able to adopt. I’m thrilled for them all. And yet, on days like Mother’s Day, I wonder if that happiness is something I will ever personally experience.
It isn’t something that I talk about often, but it is a prayer and dream of mine that I will be able to adopt at least one child by the time I turn 40. This past year I even dared dream long enough to post several baby boards on Pinterest. But in my heart I know that unless God chooses to answer my dream through His supernatural favor, my empty nest will be a lifetime reality.
While it is an area of my heart that is completely in the Lord’s hands, every once in a while it throbs a bit to remind me that it’s still there. And I know I’m not the only one. In fact, I know of several single women that actually have a greater desire to be a mother than they do to be a wife. I believe it to be a God-given instinct—a part of our DNA as women. And just like any other unmet desire, it can be used for good or evil.
Nurturing others as a single person
If this is an area of struggle for you as well, I encourage you to use the upcoming weekend to motivate you to good works rather than wishful introspection. You don’t have to bear a child to use your motherly heart for God. Ask Him to bring across your path a young woman to mentor. Invest in her life. Take her out to eat. Listen to her.
Another way to use that nurturing instinct is to be a blessing to an elderly woman. Many nursing home patients never receive a single visit from a family member. Sunday will come and go and hundreds of elderly mothers will feel lucky if they get a phone call or a card. They would love for someone to listen to their stories or sing to them songs from their childhood.
I don’t always do a good job of remembering this, but the Holy Spirit reminds me often there is always someone with a bigger hurt than mine and that everyone has something that they are struggling with at any given moment. Many times the hurts are too deep to ever express. Focusing on your own heartaches does nothing but magnify them. But when you seek to be a blessing to someone else, you end up receiving the bigger blessing yourself.
His ways are higher
If God has given you an empty nest, He has done it for a reason. It may be for a season or forever…only time will tell. What you do with it is up to you. You can view it as a a hole in your heart, or a basket to fill with blessings. The choice is yours. Choose well dear ones.
by Donya Dunlap | Feb 14, 2013 | Forgetting the Fairy Tale, The Single Life, The Spiritual Life
For a brief time I loved Valentine’s Day. I thrilled to be part of the romance and clung to the hope that it offered for wedded bliss. And then, for a much longer span of time, I abhored Valentine’s Day. Just one glimpse of that little demon Cupid flying off to bestow love and happiness on some other fortunate soul would stir up feelings of anger in the pit of my stomach. My mouth would fill with sarcastic darts of poison aimed at anyone close enough to hit with them. To get the best aim, I built my walls of insecurity higher and higher. I had been hurt and my response to that was taking the offensive against even the idea of true love.
Today I find myself in the middle of the two extremes.
I neither love nor hate the holiday itself, but there are things about it that still evoke a strong emotional response. I love to see expressions of love between married couples on social media, especially when it is initiated by a man. I love a man that is secure enough to show the world that he loves his girl in a Christ-honoring way. But I also hate that for so many the day is a painful reminder of loss and unfulfilled hope. It breaks my heart to see young women stomp their way into the trap of bitterness that I know all too well.
One of my goals in writing Forgetting the Fairy Tale was to be a help to both the happily married and the hopelessly single. There is a huge temptation for both individuals to seek to find fulfillment in a person outside of Jesus Christ. Both are wrong to do so. Towards the end of the chapter, Looking for Love in All the Wrong Places, I wrote this reminder:
The perfect Valentine’s Day Gift!
The only way to find true peace and contentment is to be at war with the idols of our hearts. You must constantly evaluate your thoughts and motives and determine who you are serving. Are you walking in the image of Christ or of Satan? Are your desires godly or have they become an idol—displacing God from the throne of your heart? A boyfriend, husband, therapy, alcohol, food, drugs—none of these things satisfy a longing soul. Only the peace of God’s presence in your life can provide the sense of undying love and contentment you crave.
I still find I have moments when I want to hide behind aloofness or whine over a sense of loneliness. But if I choose to turn to Him, I find that Jesus really is the best listener, best friend, best encourager and best companion with which to walk through life that I could ever have. Should He see fit to provide for me a spouse, I will thank Him for it. But if He doesn’t, that’s okay too. I have found that even on Valentine’s Day it is possible to say:
This is the Lord’s doing; it is marvelous in our eyes. This is the day which the Lord hath made; we will rejoice and be glad in it. -Psalm 118:23-24
Interested in reading more of Forgetting the Fairy Tale? Purchase your own copy at Amazon today!
Photo Credit: bored-now / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-ND
by donyadunlap | Jun 13, 2011 | The Single Life
I have hesitated in the past about publishing anything on this topic out of the fear of soundy too soap-boxy (for lack of a better term). However, I had a lovely talk with an old friend this weekend and this topic was broached, stirring up all sorts of little boxes I have stored in my “pet peeves” closet. If you know me at all, you know I have a hard time keeping my little pets in obedient and silent compliance after such an event–thus the blog post.
I could discuss in length various grievences that I have with the way singles are treated–maybe that will be book two. For now, I want to communicate just one basic thing to anyone that has contact with, is related to, or has a ministry for single people. We are single, not contagious. We don’t need to be fixed, counseled or made aware of our singleness, nor do we appreciate being treated as someone carrying a deadly and communicable disease. We don’t care who you know that would be just the perfect cure to put our singleness into remission. We are single–not sick, not broken, not diseased, not emotionally stunted, not incapable of love, not avoiding the inevitable, not afraid of committment, not miserable, not desperate, not waiting by our phones with bated breath–we’re just single. Period.
I usually try to remind myself that those who try to doctor the situation are really well-meaning individuals who just have no idea what it’s like to be single and so deserve an extra dose of grace when they say stupid and sometimes offensive things out of a desire for us “to just be happy.” However, I have been giving such grace for a number of years now and my grace tank is running low. So with an attitude of full disclosure and with a heart that really does desire to help others, I’d like to share with you a couple passages of Scripture that have benefited me and will hopefully be a help to both those who interact with singles on a regular basis, or singles who struggle with their singleness. After all, everyone has their moments!
James 1:17 reads, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, and cometh down from the Father of lights, with whom is no variableness, neither shadow of turning.” There is no exception clause to this verse. God gives to His children every good thing and at just the time they need it. That means, if I desire something that I believe is a good thing and God hasn’t given it to me yet, I must trust Him to know what is best for my life and submit to Him in the knowledge that I don’t always know what is best but He does. My heavenly Father wants the very best for my life and I know that if it is His will for me (or your single friend) to be married, then it is only a matter of time before He will bring it to pass. Until then worrying about it, being overly focused on it or manipulating situations to change my marital status will only bring about stife, discontentment and other forms of evil that God does not desire for my life. We must follow the example of Paul in learning to be content in whatever state we find ourselves in, trusting the Lord to work out His will in His timing. (Philippians 4:11)
Another oft neglected passage of scripture that is worthy of consideration is 1 Corinthians 7. I won’t include the whole chapter within this blog, but I encourage you to read it for yourself. Paul clearly states that while marriage can be a good thing and it certainly isn’t a bad thing, there are several disadvantages to it that single people don’t have to face. Those who are married must think of their spouse above other things. This, by default, limits their ability to serve Christ in some ways. Single people are more flexible to serve on the mission field, minister in youth groups, attend Bible studies, etc. where as married people have their spouses and children to serve first as their main ministry. The works of God are secondary, as God designed them to be, holding up the home as the first sacred institution. A single person has a chance to be undivided in their service to Christ, which can be a wonderful thing, especially if they receive support from others in the ministry and are not looked down upon or shunned because of their marital status.
There are other examples I could list, but I will leave it at this for now. What I hope to accomplish with this post is a little understanding and open-mindedness. If you know a single and have found it difficult to have a relationship with them, try to focus less on making them like you and more on appreciating them for who they are. They have hopes and desires and dreams just like you. Many singles want to be married and have children some day and having others constantly point out the fact that they aren’t there yet and here is what they need to do to “fix it” only aggrevates an already tender feeling that they must deal with on a regular basis. Get to know your single friend one-on-one. Don’t take them out for coffee to butter them up to babysit for you. Just go out and talk, learn from each other, benefit from seeing the world through their eyes, put yourself in their shoes and love them for them. No face masks or hand sanitizer needed.
